What Kind of Baptist Are You?
Posted by Chris · 5 Comments
The following has been around the internet for a while. The earliest I found it posted was 2002. However, it is still funny and somewhat truthful. Baptists would rather look for the one thing which they disagree over, and fight about it, rather than unite over the important things and work to glorify God.
I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this guy who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought I’d try to stall him until the authorities showed up.
“Don’t jump!” I said.
“Why not?” he said. “Nobody loves me.”
“God loves you,” I said. “You believe in God, don’t you?”
“Yes, I believe in God,” he said.
“Good,” I said. “Are you Christian or Jewish?”
“Christian,” he said.
“Me, too!” I said. “Protestant or Catholic?”
“Protestant,” he said.
“Me, too!” I said. “What kind of Protestant?”
“Baptist,” he said.
“Me, too!” I said. “Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
“Independent Baptist,” he said.
“Me, too!” I said. “New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?”
“Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.
“Me, too!” I said. “Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Lose-Your-Salvation Arminian Conservative Independent Baptist?”
“Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.
“Me, too!” I said. “Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Historical Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”
“Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.
“Me, too!” I said. “Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”
“Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.
“Me, too!” I said. “Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”
“Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.
“Me, too!” I said. “Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”
“Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.
“Me, too!” I said. “KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?”
“MODERN VERSIONS Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist,” he said.
“Auugghh!!! You heretic!” I said. And I pushed him over.
This is adapted from a joke by comedian Emo Philips.
Forgetting everything we’ve talked about in the past (because I really don’t have the time to get into a long debate/discussion), I actually agree with almost all of what you said in this post. I know the joke is to make a point, which it makes very well.
I agree with you so far as God’s true church needing to unite and work to glorify God. But what if the things that are disagreed upon happen to be very important things? Whether it’s a question of whether or not a Baptist is a Protestant, (My view is that it is not, because Baptists were around before Catholics, and the Protestants came out of the Catholic church in protest, blah blah..but you know the history. It is not an issue I will separate company over, however – I chose this example because it is consistent between your version and the original.) or whether the KJV is the only Bible for the English speaking people (Again, I don’t want to get into a debate, I chose this for an example because it is a topic addressed here in the past), the importance of certain issues is different for everyone…
The question is, ‘Where should the line be drawn?’ The problem is, ‘Who decides what the answer is?’
Hey Jonathan, thanks for the comment. I really did like this joke. This wasn’t my version, I copied it word for word.
As for the Baptist not being Protestant thing, there is a version that changes it to say,
I chose to leave it as it is because I don’t have a problem being called Protestant. Historically, if you follow the “Trail of Blood” theory, you would be claiming many groups that were far from Baptist, some were heretical, and I do not feel like they represented true Christianity. The earliest modern Baptist came out of the English separatist groups, and were only influenced by the Anabaptists. John Smyth even left the first English Baptist Church and joined the Anabaptists, only to be rejected by them. Anabaptists were persecuted before the official Reformation, but to say that they didn’t come out of the Reformation is also wishful thinking. They were actually some of the first Protestants. But it all depends on whose history you choose to believe.
The problem is when we make an issue out of something that doesn’t matter. Who decides on matters that are not fundamental to the faith? Well, that is left up to the individual, and to the local church. Every believer has the right to make that decision. They will answer to God for it. The local church is a body of believers who collectively follow a set of agreed upon beliefs. If the local church sins because of their non-biblical stand on an issue, then each member will answer for it on an individual basis.
Anyway thanks again, and good luck on the WAIT program.
Oh, my bad. I just referenced the version you linked to..no worries.
And I agree whole-heartedly with you on your last paragraph.
Hey thanks for the joke. I am going to use it this sunday at my church. I am speaking on John 17:20- It will fit well.
To follow upon your discussion, the Apostles Creed, Nicene Creed, and Athanasian Creeds together with the process used to write them give us a strong basis for what we believe as essential. The early church fathers dealt with every -ism imaginable and regularly communicated what the essentials are. I believe that today, even though we all belong to different denominations and different churches the question of “who decides on what is fundamental to the faith” has already been decided by those closest to the eyewitnesses (apostles). If we are every going to even come close to honoring Jesus’ prayer for those who would someday believe, (John 17:20-) that is both the line that has to be held.
I personally will pray for, participate with, encourage, and be a friend to any pastor or believer who is zeroed in on the three major church creeds and the scriptural principles they establish.
Sorry, I submitted with proof reading…
If we are ever even going to come close to honoring Jesus’ prayer for those who would someday believe, (John 17:20-) that is the line that has to be held.